So, I'm not one to talk a lot about feelings or really let people see anything but "happy" me, so I tend to hold people at arms length, I think. I wish I wasn't like that and I didn't used to be, but I have a lot of past hurt and it's hard for me to trust and let go. Because of this, I tend to be lonely a lot and I deal with some depression and then I wonder why people don't call or reach out to me. And then God reminds me of something He did for me not too long ago and I'd like to share it with you all. I have actually been feeling him press me to write this post for a few weeks, but I have kinda wanted to keep it between God and me, so I have put it off a little under the guise of being too busy. I'm sorry Lord for delaying.....
Anyway, about two or so years ago I was in an especially dry patch, I was so lonely for friends....I would've done practically anything to have a good girlfriend who would stick with me and not let our friendship fall by the wayside because I didn't text or ask to hang out or whatever. I needed someone to want to be MY friend, to call or text me just to see how I was or to say they missed me when I wasn't at church or to ask to hang out with me and my kids. I was lonely for Mike....he was working his normal schedule on the night shift (12 hours is a LONG time) and I was still adjusting to being a mom of two. I had postpartum depression, and I was tired and sad and lonely. I couldn't feel God near me at all and I was begging for him to reveal Himself to me and to let me know he was there. I was sweeping the kitchen when it happened. Here's just how sweet God is.....I was listening to the Kari Jobe station (I think) on Pandora on my tv and I was sweeping and praying and asking "God are you there?" and next thing I know, I am hearing these words sing from my television....
"You're not alone for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All of your life"
I know it's just a song on the radio, but it spoke deep into my soul. He pursued my heart that day and I will never forget it. He is there and He's loved me all of my life...He's THE One. The only one who can complete my heart and comfort my soul. I'm still looking for that friend, but I'm not as desperate as I once was. And I still struggle with postpartum depression and loneliness for community but I can say that despite all of that, I have the joy of the Lord in my heart and He can do that for you too....just ask Him. :)
